Comment Emesis, Hackers, and Zombies

April 17, 2013

I learned a new word last week: EMESIS. Who knew I would get to use it so soon.

A couple of weeks ago I added a new page to my blog, I entitled it “Live Events”. I added it as a place to announce when and where I would sell my jewelry in person. Kind of a little bulletin board of sorts. It’s a very simple page, just a list of upcoming events with a couple of videos for fun.

Ever since then my blog has been BOMBARDED with comments. Hundreds of comments, telling me what a wonderful and informative piece of writing I am providing to the world. The comments seem a tiny bit like they were written by a computer, but still gushing with praise so I am happy. This evening I happened to notice my spam folder had 598 comments in it! 598! Are you kidding me?!? For one very brief moment I questioned whether they really were spam at all. Maybe my filter has gone crazy, maybe my page has become wildly popular and my filter is jealous and trying to keep me from my glory days.  Or maybe not.

But I WAS curious and thought I better have a look at those spam messages, just in case one or two REAL comments were hiding in there.

It only took 2 or 3 to see that I had been delivered a great big SPAM and EGG sandwich. Take this one for instance:

“To make scrambled eggs with a waffle maker simply crack eggs into a bowl, add milk and wisk. When it comes to any kind of cookware or kitchen appliance, Wolfgang Puck remains to be at the top of the game. Maybe you’ve recently had a child, or other life event.”

I don’t remember asking for advise on how to make scrambled eggs…… and I am not really sure what that has to do with having a baby, but what do I know?

Once I started reading I was sucked in. It was a blend of unwarranted bad grammar infused praise and random sales pitches. Instead of being upset I found the whole thing extremely funny.  So though I am not going to approve these comments, I would hate for them to be lost forever.

Here are some of my favorites:

“If some one desires to be updated with hottest technologies then he must be go to see this website and be up to date everyday.”

 

“I loved as much as you will receive carried out right here. The sketch is tasteful, your authored subject matter stylish. nonetheless, you command get got an edginess over that you wish be delivering the following. unwell unquestionably come further formerly again since exactly the same nearly a lot often inside case you shield this
hike.”

I am not at all sure what you are trying to say, but edginess is definitely what I was going for. Is this what happens to the well-crafted emails I write to customers in France when I run them through google translate?

“Wow, this piece of writing is good, my sister is analyzing these things, so I am going to let know her.”

She is analyzing what things, craft fairs?

“Magnificent goods from you, man. I have understand your stuff previous to and you’re just extremely excellent. I really like what you have acquired here, really like what you are saying and the way in which you say it. You make it enjoyable and you still take care of to keep it sensible. I can’t wait to read far more from you. This is actually a great website.”

I am just extremely excellent! Hear that world!

“Very shortly this web page will be famous amid all blog users, due to it’s fastidious articles“

“Fantastic website. Plenty of helpful info here. I’m sending it to some pals ans also sharing in delicious. And obviously, thanks for your sweat!”

Hmmm. Delicious sweat.

“I think the admin of this website is actually working hard in favor of his website, as here every material is quality based data.”

Thank you. I AM working very hard to make sure every material is quality based data.

“you’re really a just right webmaster. The web site loading velocity is amazing. It kind of feels that you are doing any distinctive trick. Also, The contents are masterpiece. you’ve performed a magnificent activity in this matter!”

Wow, what does it mean?!? I am a just right webmaster because of the distinctive trick that makes my loading velocity so magnificent? That is a good thing right?

“You’re so awesome! I do not think I’ve truly read something like this before. So wonderful to discover someone with original thoughts on this topic. Seriously.. thanks for starting this up. This website is one thing that’s needed on the web, someone with some originality!”

If this was referring to a post that was about anything more than the dates of some upcoming shows I would really be touched. But, as it is I think you are just making fun of me.

“Have you ever considered about including a little bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is valuable and everything. Nevertheless just imagine if you added some great graphics or videos to give your posts
more, “pop”! Your content is excellent but with pics and videos, this blog could certainly be one of the very best in its niche. Amazing blog!”

Good idea. I wish I had thought of it.

“Why people still use to read news papers when in this technological globe everything is presented on web?”

 

“And, that part of the Waffle Baker does make us happy. This is a recipe for a Belgian waffle that is truly a sweet, sumptuous and nutty concoction. So I am going to share with you, from my personal experiences over the years, pricing tips on twenty of the most common items sold at a garage sale.”

 

“At this moment I am ready to do my breakfast, afterward having my breakfast coming yet again to read other
news.“

Me too.

But first let’s talk about zombies.

“First, there was the Miami Face-eater; then another man ate his room mates’ brain and heart; and now it’s being reported that a woman in NYC wanted to eat a police officer and claims she has a “hunger for human flesh”. In fact the term zombie came from the region and refers to persons who have undergone such a mind altering experience.”

 

“Yeeeaahhh. kill’ a zombie. That is of course, unless it is at the expense of someone else.”

 

“Hey! I just wanted to ask if you ever have any problems with hackers?

My last blog (wordpress) was hacked and I ended up losing a few months of hard work due to no back up. Do you have any solutions to protect against hackers?”

Who me? No, never.

Written by Demi Posted in Blogging Tagged with comments, hackers, spam, zombies